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July 2020, a month to remember

29 Jul

As this unusual July closes, I wonder where to even begin? I feel that I have to write something to commemorate this season of chaos. I was in the hospital. I convalesced at home. And I went from someone who used to fear MRIs to someone who had 4 in about a month. While the memory of this time is (more or less) fresh in my mind, here’s roughly what happened:

During one weekend in mid-June, I began holding onto the walls of the hallway outside my bedroom. I started running into everything- my arms would bang into doorways, my feet would bump into doors. It’s the kind of thing you write off at first, but as it continues you know something weird is happening. I decided to take Monday off work, but the odd behavior continued, so that Tuesday morning I went to the local hospital. I recall my Mom physically helping me walk to the entry of the ER, so my condition must have really degraded at that point.

That week in the hospital is mostly a blur, and thank God. I’m grateful for not remembering some things, and I regret that some things- like a disturbing memory of my having a seizure as I entered a cat scan machine- are still vivid. I remember going in for an MRI, and fearing the narrow confines of the machine. No, what makes the experience nightmarish is not the inherent claustrophobia, but the sounds, the constant screeching of photos being taken of the brain. I told myself, this is like that long flight from Seoul to San Francisco. It’s long, it’s awful, but you need to endure it to get through to the other side. You want answers to your condition, this is what that entails.

And I got answers. My brain did, in fact, bleed. Doctors told me I experienced a “shower” or small burst of many little strokes. I was relieved to have an answer. I remember yelling out, in my half-conscious state, “I’m not crazy! I knew something happened to me!”

You’re in an unflattering hospital gown, there is a needle in your arm at all times for the constant delivery of medicine, and your blood pressure is taken on a very regular basis. I’ve never liked having my blood pressure taken- I don’t like the constricting feeling. But what can you do? I remember feeling unclean. For that whole week, I couldn’t brush my teeth or wash my face. I didn’t shower. In between medical tests, I was mostly bored and restless. I wanted to go home and clean up.

Once I was discharged at the end of the week, my at-home recovery began. I saw at-home health therapists twice a week and practiced balance and coordination exercises in the evenings. Once that concluded, I moved onto hospital outpatient physical therapy at a different location. I made a full recovery from the stroke, but a new physical condition emerged: crippling back pain. To this day, 6-7 weeks after the hospital stay when it started, I still feel it, though it has mostly improved.

All in all, I feel older. Having pills in a day-of-the-week pill box. Being cognizant of which activities cause me physical distress and which ones don’t. Most of all, being aware of my own mortality, on top of the current pandemic, which still rages. I’ve been very lucky. I don’t appear to have gotten COVID-19. Is my stroke related to the pandemic, or a freak occurrence? I believe the former, but my doctors are leaning towards the latter. We shall see.

I’m 39 and otherwise very healthy. I’m glad to be alive, and to be well. I still hope to not go to the hospital any time soon, so I’m still wearing a mask AT ALL TIMES. I’m also enormously grateful for the care of the staff at my local hospital, who made me feel like a person and not just a number. Shortly after my discharge, there was a surge in hospitalizations there, and I think often of those kind hospital employees. I hope they stay safe.

I don’t know how to end this except to say thank you to everyone who reached out to me during this time, and to those who cared for me throughout, especially my close family members. Please continue to be well.

 

 

A most unusual year

30 Dec

I have no illusions that the changing of a calendar year represents anything more than the changing of months, from December to January. It’s like waking up on your birthday expecting to instantly feel a year older. However, I look forward to shedding this last year and beginning 2020 without the burden of 2019 hanging over me. 2019 was a long, strange year.

Most of this last year has been spent applying for jobs. To try and try to do something, and consistently fail, is what made this year difficult. In hindsight, some of my mistakes are very clear to me- resumes that were amateurish, interviews I was not very prepared for, jobs I was simply underqualified for. And I was in an unusual position for six months, of being technically employed but virtually unemployed. I’ll rewind and elaborate.

During the month of January, I showed up to work every day eager to learn if there was a new project for me to work on, and every day I learned that there was nothing. I asked members of my team if I could lend a hand, and they simply had nothing for me. It seemed suspicious to me. Then, in early February, I learned why: my team was moving from one division of the company to another. And with this move, the team would no longer need a writer: me. In one fell swoop, I lost my role. Redundant. But I wasn’t laid off. So I continued going to work every day, collecting a paycheck, and cheerily letting my colleagues know I was available if they needed someone to help out on anything. But mostly, I kept going into the office every day for the routine. To see my work friends. To ride Muni in the morning with all the other people who had places to go. To maintain the illusion of usefulness.

One way I occupied my time was by taking long lunches. It was quite a luxury- taking an hour and a half to eat at Indian buffets, Thai restaurants, dim sum palaces, and pizzerias. Reader, I got fat.  And in the meantime, I was applying for jobs. My employer was all but telling me: leave. We have nothing for you here. An ideal time to leave. But I had to lie through all of these interviews when asked about what I was working on, why I was leaving my current position, etc. It’s hard to interview well when your confidence has been shaken. Remarkably, I sailed through a lengthy interview process in February for a job in my previous industry, digital marketing. I was given an offer. But the salary was a significant decrease from what I was making, so I turned it down. Was that wise? I think so. I sailed through the interview process because the job turned out to be fairly entry level, which was reflected in the salary. Too qualified for entry-level jobs, underqualified for senior-level jobs in my current industry. I slogged along. I became absorbed in user testing research and analysis, though that project was temporary.

Luckily, in late July/early August, after a former colleague left the company, I was told I’d be assuming his old projects. Finally, I wouldn’t feel like a fraud for accepting a paycheck for nothing. I had to learn this new role, which was very different from my old one, but I was glad to have work. That first month, I was tossed into the deep end while still being trained- it felt like that dream where you show up to school and find out there’s a test you aren’t prepared for. After a few weeks, I got the hang of the new role. But I kept looking. I was happy to have work to do, but still felt there was a different job at another company for which I was better suited. I was determined to continue my career elsewhere. And that hasn’t changed.

I’m not the superstitious type, and I tend to think coincidences are just coincidences. But after trying and failing to find a new job- and watching so many of my colleagues leave for plum jobs at other companies- I’m convinced that it’s a sign. Look for a different type of job, make a shift in your career. It’s tough, to be nearly forty and still pondering what you want to be when you grow up. Wondering how to best apply your talents. But I haven’t lived in Spain and France and Mexico by being rigid. I’m remarkably adaptable, and resilient. The last year felt like a hamster wheel I couldn’t get off. Well, this year I’d like to jump off and get on a new track. A new job, perhaps representing a shift in my career. Maybe here in San Francisco, or in a new city. And while I know that December 31st becomes January 1st and it’s just another page on the calendar, I wanted to set down these thoughts before the New Year begins. Maybe I believe in New Year magic more than I’d like to admit. Only another two days until I can turn the page on this long, strange year.

 

Top 5 Movies of 2019

21 Dec
Dolor y Gloria

Dolor y Gloria

It’s time to revisit the best movies of the last year, in my humble estimation. They represent a variety of genres and themes, but they all featured great acting, writing and directing. Read on to learn more, and check out my reviews from previous years here: top movies of 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, and 2018.

Parasite: I wrote about Parasite shortly after I saw it, and I still think about certain indelible images from the movie: the new maid in the Park family using her Olympic talents to toss the hammer in the backyard of her boss’s palatial home; Mr. Kim lying awake, staring at the ceiling after a long night; the many long, dimly lit hallways of the Park mansion. Parasite is a work of visual art, but it’s also an expertly-drawn thriller and an astute commentary on inequality. The ultra rich and those just trying to get by? They exist side by side here, and in South Korea too.

Once upon a time in Hollywood: A few years ago, after reading the novel The Girls by Emma Cline, I became obsessed with learning everything I could about the Manson murders. When I heard that Quentin Tarantino was directing a movie about them, I felt uneasy: I didn’t think his penchant for gore and senseless violence would do the subject justice. But Once upon a time in Hollywood proved me wrong: audiences got 2 hours of classic Tarantino dialogue, a groovy soundtrack, a world of weirdos and misfits played by a cast of actors at the top of their craft. Dakota Fanning, Timothy Olyphant and Brad Pitt all turn in memorable performances. And Sharon Tate gets the ending in this movie that life never gave her.

Dolor y Gloria: Pedro Almodovar’s latest movie gives Antonio Banderas the opportunity to show what a talented actor he is. In Hollywood, he’s Puss in Boots. But in Spain, he’s a gifted actor, and in “Pain and Glory” he portrays an aging film director who spends his days numbing his aches and pains with an array of pills and potions. The movie can roughly be divided into thirds: the director’s reunion with his old collaborator, his reunion with an old lover, and caring for his dying mother. Interspersed with all of this are flashbacks to his childhood, where his mother is played by Penelope Cruz. Almodovar films are colorful and visually gorgeous, vivid testament to the beauty of Spain. This story shows what it takes for someone to pull themselves out of addiction: it’s not easy. But it takes effort. And love.

Hustlers: Written and directed by Lorene Scafaria, starring Constance Wu and Jennifer Lopez, and featuring music by Lizzo and Britney Spears, among many others, Hustlers was the rare feminist blockbuster. I’m not sure what a movie about strippers conning Wall Street types would have looked like if it had been directed by a man, but this movie portrayed complicated women with complicated motivations- some are more conflicted about stealing from their marks than others- in a nuanced way. It also gives J-Lo a chance to shine, commanding every scene she’s in as the ringleader of the group. This movie was just plain fun, and I hope to see more woman-led blockbusters like it in the future.

The Farewell: Awkwafina has shown that she can do both comedy and drama with The Farewell. Like its lead actress, the movie is never entirely dramatic or comedic. It’s a serious story about an immigrant family with many funny, absurd moments. Isn’t that what family, and real life, is like? The plot is simple: spend time with Grandma without telling her she has terminal cancer. Director Lulu Wang’s tone is whimsical throughout, observing the absurdities of the proceedings at a distance. The result is a deeply personal film about family that was one of the most affecting of 2019.

Parasite: feeding off the host

22 Oct
parasite

parasite

I wanted to see Parasite before the hype got too overwhelming. It’s like waiting in an endless line to get ice cream or coffee- after such a long wait, it can’t really be that good. And if there is crazy hype around this movie come Oscar season, I may reevaluate how I feel about it. But moments from the film- images, actions, jokes, music- have stayed with me days later. I love a movie with a good twist- and this one has about three.

What do you need to know going into the movie? It’s about a working-class family, the Kims, that insinuates itself into the lives of a wealthy family, the Parks. Yes, the title may refer to them living like parasites off of their wealthy hosts. But “Parasite” is not a simple anti-capitalist polemic. It is funny, largely thanks to the gullible matriarch of the Park family, as well as the scheming of the Kim family as they worm their way into the luxurious Park home. It is thrilling, as we watch the plot take unexpected turns. Director Bong Joon-Ho is a master of not only setting tone, but at switching, from dark humor to taut psychological thriller, in such a seamless way. The visual language of the movie is rich and tells a story itself, each corner of the exquisite Park home telling a tale, and with the obvious visual metaphor of the Parks living high above the city, and the Kims living in a basement apartment, although the high/low metaphor extends to the interior of the Park house as well. Upstairs/downstairs, indeed.

While I called “Parasite” far from a communist screed, there is righteous anger coursing through the film, especially in the second half. The patriarch of the Kims overhears the patriarch of the Parks confess that Kim (his driver) has the stench of the poor. The Kims get a glimpse of the good life in the Parks’ home, but that’s all it will be- a glimpse. As Kim tells his son, the best plan in life is to have no plan at all. Even when you have the extraordinary good luck to find yourself in a situation like the Kims do, you know it’s all a dream. You’re still the parasite leeching off of the good will of your hosts.

Matrushka: a poem

4 Jun

Painted, wooden, grinning dolls

One inside another

Inside another

Inside another.

Twist to separate the biggest doll,

Top half from bottom half.

Then find someone similar inside her.

Twist, set aside and repeat

And repeat,

Until you reach the tiniest doll,

The first.

Amazing to think that all of those bigger, heavier, painted girls,

Contained little you.

A little about me:

11 Feb

Two months into 2019, I still carry the optimism of the New Year into February. A sense of new beginnings, new possibilities both professional and personal. I know that there are new things to learn and do this year. The question is where.

The following is a list of some accomplishments that I’m particularly proud of:

Hosted on WordPress, I managed a news and culture website- editing photos, translating posts, assigning articles to contributors, which culminated in a weekly email newsletter to industry peers.

I earned a Masters degree in Spanish Translation, where I translated financial, economic, scientific, technical, legal and political texts from English to Spanish and from Spanish to English. My internship was at the U.N.

Relentlessly pursuing leads, I nurtured relationships with media companies in Mexico, Colombia, El Salvador, Panama, and Peru, among others, signing advertising contracts with them that allowed us to run successful digital ad campaigns.

Every day I monitored social media channels for our company; it was vital in enhancing the company’s profile in the industry.

Many people have seen the script I wrote for a video explaining the findings of a months-long customer research study, to easily share the results to internal audiences.

Each and every week, I worked closely with salespeople and ad operations teams to successfully deliver highly-targeted digital ad campaigns.

So what am I most proud of? Using language to communicate ideas and tell stories; creating relationships that benefit my employer and our client alike; working closely with teams to execute and achieve a common goal. And doing so in both English and Spanish.

Connect with me here. Let’s work together.

Conózcame

11 Feb

A dos meses del Nuevo Año, aún llevo mucho optimismo conmigo; siento que las cosas van a cambiar, que nuevas posibilidades están por comenzar. La cuestión es…¿dónde existe este nuevo comienzo?

Lo que sigue son unos hitos míos de los cuales estoy orgullosa:

Manejaba un sitio de noticias sobre nuestra industria -editaba fotos, traducía las publicaciones, y redactaba artículos- todo lo que culminaba en un boletín semanal enviado por correo electrónico.

Estudié una maestría en Traducción, y durante el transcurso de mis estudios traducía textos de índole financiero, económico, científico, técnico, legal, y político. Mi pasantía fue en la ONU.

Cultivaba relaciones con empresas mediáticas en México, Colombia, El Salvador, Panamá y Perú, entre otros, firmando contratos que permitían que campañas publicitarias digitales salieran exitosamente en sus sitios web.

Monitoreaba los medios sociales de la empresa. Era imprescindible en alzar el perfil de la compañía en nuestra industria.

Escribí el guión que acompañó un video explicando los hallazgos de una importante investigación de consumidor, con el fin de compartir los resultados con un público interno.

Trabajaba en equipo con los equipos de ventas y de operaciones para entregar campañas publicitarias digitales con metas muy precisas.

Ahora bien, ¿qué une estas hazañas?

El usar el idioma para comunicar ideas y contar historias; entablar relaciones que benefician a todas partes; trabajar en equipo para ejecutar y lograr un objetivo. Y hacerlo de modo bilingüe.

Conéctate conmigo aquí. Trabajemos juntos.

Green Book: why?

9 Jan

Ever since I saw the first advertisements for Green Book, I was turned off. My reaction was visceral. In the year 2018, a movie where a white man learns that African-Americans are a-okay, who stops being racist because of his friendship with a black man, feels very outdated. And yet rave reviews poured in for this movie.

I was puzzled. Was I not giving it a fair shot? Green Book stars two talented actors, Viggo Mortensen and Mahershala Ali. But it was directed by Peter Farrelly, of Dumb and Dumber fame. The movie was written by the son of the real-life white protagonist. When I learned this, it confirmed my suspicions that Green Book is more about a white man’s transformation than a gifted black musician, who mostly serves, it seems, as a vehicle for his chauffeur’s redemption. Black characters at the service of a white story.

And then I watched the Golden Globes, where Green Book won for Best Screenplay and Best Comedy. I was bewildered. Ann Hornaday of the Washington Post helped to articulate what feels so wrong about this throwback tale receiving so much praise: because it is happening in a year when Black Kkklansman by Spike Lee, Blindspotting by Daveed Diggs, Sorry to Bother You by Boots Riley, If Beale Street Could Talk by Barry Jenkins and Black Panther by Ryan Coogler were all released. So many films were made by black filmmakers with black people at the heart of the story, with fresh, original takes on race and racism. And yet Green Book gets all the praise? It feels strange, and unfair.

Needless to say, I will not be seeing Green Book. But I look forward to seeing If Beale Street Could Talk this weekend.

Bold (a poem)

3 Jan
Progressive women of color

Progressive women of color

Standing tall,

They rise

One by one

With the winds of change at their backs.

Determined

From across the land they rise:

Minnesota

Michigan

Kansas

Boston

Atlanta

New Mexico

The Bronx

The labor of a century,

To vote,

To advocate,

To represent,

Realized.

The women of this nation are rising.

I know why the caged Birdbox sings

2 Jan

While dutifully working from home today, I watched Birdbox on Netflix (I’d seen the memes). Watching a tense thriller with the blinds open, sun shining through, is the only way for me to do it (though I discovered that when I turned away from the screen, I faced the mirror closet in our entryway. Still saw everything!).

I was hesitant to watch it, not only because it promised to be scary, but because I’ve had my fill of post-apocalyptic hellscapes. I read Parable of the Sower and Station Eleven last year. I’m very familiar with The Hunger Games. The genre has kind of jumped the shark. What does Birdbox add to this overcrowded genre? Is it a fable about global warming? A prophecy that women and people of color will inherit the earth? Does it tell its survival story in new and interesting ways?

No, as far as I can tell, Birdbox doesn’t say much, nor does it add much to the post-apocalypse genre. And although I watched some scenes from behind a pillow, what I did see was impressive turns by John Malkovich, Trevante Rhodes, and of course Sandra Bullock. I love a good survival story against faceless foes. Despite its flaws, I liked Birdbox. You should see it with eyes wide open.