The Lebanexican

Emotional Intelligence

I recently found a link online to UC Berkeley’s online quiz, part of their Greater Good project. It is a test of how one reads other people, as a way to gauge one’s emotional intelligence. And I have been thinking a lot about emotional intelligence lately, as I ponder which skills and abilities I have that would lend themselves to the right career.

I had a moment at my job a couple of weeks ago where I was asked to help construct chairs. It involved using tools and being handy, and it was not exactly up my alley. While I was attempting to be of some assistance, I noticed that our new secretary was sitting at her desk with tears rolling down her face. I promptly invited her to go out to get coffee, and she agreed, and as we left the office she told me what was bothering her. In that moment I thought to myself,this really reveals my stengths and weaknesses. The prospect of working with my hands, being handy, makes me nervous, simply because it has never been my forte. Yet I believe that emotional intelligence- recognizing the emotions of others and responding appropriately- is a strength, one that frankly I think is more important in life than many others.

Note in the post below that I try to figure out what happened to the company morale at my former employer, and there was a realization that my own emotional intelligence would not be rewarded.  You look around and see the qualities being rewarded, and they are not qualities that you have, or would want to have. In professional and personal settings, emotional intelligence is of the utmost importance; luckily there is a growing body of research supporting this. I admit that I could improve, especially since I only scored 15 out of 20 on the quiz. Sometimes it is difficult to know not what others are feeling, but how to respond to them. Someone starts to cry- do you hug? Let them cry it out? Different people respond different ways. I try to recognize what others want in the moment. Sometimes you can just tell when someone wants to be alone.

This last weekend I was with a friend and her three year old daughter at a children’s birthday party, and it gave me great satisfaction that I was able to calm her down when she geot fussy and turn her cries into giggles. These little victories reinforce how satisfying and necessary it is to comfort others. Let’s all endeavor to improve our emotional intelligence and respond better to others so that they may respond better to us.

The small company that I work is hiring for a senior position, and I have been tasked with doing initial phone interviews with candidates. This includes talking to candidates who applied through LinkedIn, through Monster.com, and through a recruiting firm. We had a brief conference call with the recruiting firm, and they discussed finding candidates who are not necessarily actively looking for new opportunities but who can be persuaded. Now, I am realistic enough to know that this is because recruiting firms need to place candidates successfully in order to get paid. But the recruiter’s discussion of peeling away job candidates who are otherwise happy (or seemingly so) at their current positions made me wonder if there can be any loyalty in the age of LinkedIn.

And I say this not just from the point of view of one who interviews candidates for my current employer. I am on LinkedIn and have been contacted by recruiters numerous times. I imagine that the advent of LinkedIn has revolutionized the world of professional headhunting, making it easier to find potential candidates. As someone who has been contacted, I can say that some of the offers have been quite intriguing. Some just didn’t pan out, while others  were for companies and jobs that were clearly not a good fit. And yet every day seemingly content professionals are pulled away from their jobs for greener pastures.

I remember going to the company picnic for my Dad’s employer when I was a kid. He worked for that employer for I don’t know how many years. My mother worked for hers for 26 years. Back then, there was an implicit understanding between employer and employee. The employee worked hard and was rewarded with promotions and steady employment. That era and its stability are over. Professionals are now more like free agents, ready to jump ship for the best offer and highest bidder. As free agency liberated professional athletes to make as much money as they could and not be stuck under the yoke of the same team, so too are we all now freer than professionals in the recent past, of my parents’ era. This is mostly a good development. If employers want to retain their best people, like a good coach or a good agent, they must ensure that their best players are too happy and well-paid to consider leaving for greener pastures. Or else recruiters will be the ones who benefit.

Alone in the Big City

Blogging on a Saturday night after a hiatus of, what, four months? Not exactly the triumphant return I hoped for. It may be a short post, but it’s worth writing. I just read Tracy Clark-Flory’s article on Salon entitled, simply, “How to be Alone”. I simply feel that I have to comment, as somewhat of an expert on being alone.

I live alone in a very “cozy” studio apartment. When I tell people this, they react in either one of two ways. Men usually tell me that it would drive them crazy, and women tell me that they envy having a space of their own. Yes, the space is small- I can see my refrigerator from my bed- but I love having this small corner of the big city that is mine and mine alone. And yes, I like living alone. It does not mean that I am a hermit with no family or friends. I see family and I see friends- as a matter of fact, living in a cramped space forces one to venture out more than one would otherwise, I think. So I make plans with friends- we meet for lunch on Sunday, for Happy Hour drinks on Thursday, perhaps for a movie on Sunday.

But I am single, and have been resolutely single most of my life, with only short relationships interspersed between the years. I am very used to being alone, but some of the experts quoted in the Salon article mention that one of the difficulties in being lonely is the perceived stigma. I can attest to this and say that it is the difficult aspect of living in a big city alone and single. I only care when others care. Meaning, I rate restaurants based on how they treat solo diners. There is one place near me where I ate once with my mother and had a lovely lunch. I then went back alone on the weekend to have breakfast, and had a horrible experience. I watched as families and couples at tables were greeted warmly and served attentively by the waiter, while I was treated like a leper. I have never returned.

Going to movies alone is fine, as many in the theater are alone as well, and moviegoing is a communal experience any way (besides, I can’t stand going to the movies with people who want to chit chat. Let’s discuss who that actor is after the movie, please!). Going to concerts is something I cannot do alone, as that is an experience I believe has to be shared. However, I once went to a concert alone- my favorite band at the time, Dandy Warhols, was playing, and I couldn’t miss them. I ended up running into a dear friend from high school in line and we enjoyed the concert together, and went out afterwards. Serendipity.

It’s tough out there for a single woman in her 30’s. I often feel as though I am the last single person on Earth. It seems as though everyone I know is either married, engaged or in a relationship. I am quite used to being the third, fifth, or seventh in group outings. And because I’ve always felt that it is better to be happy alone than miserable in a shitty relationship, I am quite happy living my life until the next guy comes along. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the occasional twinge of loneliness. But I try to make myself responsible for my own happiness and not mind if others are uncomfortable with my single status. I live in a great city, San Francisco, where it is hard to get bored, and where I prefer to enjoy all the city has to offer whether I am alone, with friends, or with the rare boyfriend. Even if it means a brazen public display of singleness.

And this should make your day: How to Be Alone, by poet Tanya Davis.